Following the deceased

I can imagine your shock to see how a blog which hasn't seen activity for nigh on five months suddenly gets a jolt of posting. Imagine now my shock as I found out that a very much dead blog has three followers (and two comments in a language I can't even begin to read). So here's looking at brightening up the day of my three followers (and then, how about we start a cult?)

This is a bit of a variation on a recipe by Mrs. Nigella Lawson, whom I not only admire as a cook, but also to whom I'm more than slightly attracted, even though she's only young enough to be my mother.

Ferrero Rocher and Mon Cherie might make themselves unavailable in the summertime, allegedly due to the warm weather (like I haven't heard that before...), but ice cream will give you no such cop outs, regardless of the weather. So brighten up these last few chilli pre-equinox nights (or wait until those first chilly spring nights, really) with some lively citrusy frosty delight... E!

Please excuse me while I blow my nose; bit of a cold, here, sorry.

Alright, so, you'll need the following:

     - 1 orange;
     - 2 limes;
     - 600mL of heavy cream;
     - 4 tablespoons of sugar-free sweetener (give or take...);
     - 1 cup of cat (every recipe calls for it!).

This recipe has two distinct components: the medium component, which is the cream; and the flavouring component, which is just about everything else (except for the cat). Start by combining the zest of the orange and of one of the limes with the sweetener and the juice of the orange and both limes. If you're doing this away from the judgemental eyes of other humans, don't deprive yourself of a whiff of that lovely lime scent, even covening your nose with the dried husk of half a juiced lime like a bizzarro clown, if you'd like. Your cat, however, might not be quite as fond of that particular scent and recoil from it if you let it smell the limes, which only means more to you, really. I find that juicing a zested orange is not as easy as juicing one with it's peel intact, but I can't imagine zesting a floppy hollow skin to be any easier (quite the contrary), but gladly I'll take your input and other opinions. Limes, however, seem to have no such issues (juicing them after they've been zested, I mean). Also, remember that rolling your citruses on a flat, hard surface with the palm of your hand before halving them helps get all the juice out. Stir for a while so the sweetener dissolves in the juice.

Now pour your cream into a large container (2L and up, ideally. You've been warned....) and add the flavourful mix. Remember to stir it again so the zest doesn't gather in the bottom of whatever container you've put it in. The sadistic among you will enjoy this next bit: proceed to beat the subject at hand (that's the cream mixture, not the cat). Mind you, as the juice, being both liquid and acidic, will severely lower the viscosity of the cream, you'll need to start at a low speed, and even so you're bound to get quite a bit of splatter on your sink, on your apron, on the cat and on the side of the microwave. Remember to wipe them afterwards (better yet, wait until the eve of a cleaning to do this). Yet another little tip is to tilt your mixer back and hold a lid closely in front of the actual beaters so it can take the brunt of the splatter.

Stop before you have propper citrusy whipped cream, beat it only to soft peaks (no matter how much it begs you for more, Masters and Mistresses). Then pour your mixture into an airtight sealable container, such as a Tupperware (which pays me nothing to advertise it, so go ahead and use something from any other brand with my blessing) and leave it in the freezer for five hours (although we all know this means overnight, for even better results). Take it out some 15 minutes before you serve or leave it in the fridge for 30 to 40 minutes and enjoy.

This is probably when you'll want to lick the beaters. If you find yourself thinking you should spare some for the cat, remember that cats don't have sweet-perceiving taste buds, usually don't like citruses and are generally lactose intolerant, so there's really nothing in those beaters to impress it. Again, more for you.

If this isn't enough and you just can't have it without some chocolate sauce (you glutton), take a (preferably sugar free) dark chocolate bar of your choice. Make sure it's a high cocoa content chocolate, anything under 70% is unnacceptable. You might like 70% cocoa culinary chocolate, but my favourite, hands down, is Lindt Excelence 99% cocoa chocolate (mind you, it'll knock your teeth out with bitterness). Regardless of the actual chocolate you choose, break it in little pieces and combine it with an equal volume of double cream in a pot (do not weigh the chocolate or the cream; only volume matters here) and stir on a low heat until all the cocolate melts and you're left with a smooth, homogeneous mixture. Remeber, as ther's liquid in the pot, you don't need (or want) a bain-marie. You might want to add some more sweetener before you take your pot to the stove, especially if you go for the more bitter chocolate. I wouldn't. Just saying... And remember to let it cool before you pour over the ice cream.

And there you go, a lively tangy fruity icy treat to enjoy with your friends (if they're good).

Pax vobiscum atque vale.

ArabianShark would like to remind you that Claymore isn't the only cook around these parts... but probably still the best one.