Blood drinkers, unite

Recently I found myself reading a would-be serious vampirism manual, by a Brazillian author, Paulo Coelho. If you have never read any of his work, count your blessings. If you've ever read anything by him then you'll understand how come my stomach churns every time I see six copies of "O Zahir" on display on a bookstore window like it's God's gift to readers.

This Practical Vampirism Manual, however, is different. It's not (supposed) to be fiction. This is (supposed) to lift the shroud of mysticism that surrounds vampires and bare the whole truth about them, that they exist and what's fact or fiction about them. Mind you, it's as poorly written as any other one of his works and has nary a speck of verifyable fact about it. In short, a bundle of laughs, if you think someone expected readers to swallow this codswallop.

One of the aspects it focusses on is how to recognise (and avoid, if you'd like) a vampire, and so I've compiled, from it's pages, a handy list of things to look out for:

     Well groomed, kind mannered, well spoken, attractive Europeans looking for one night stands are likely to be vampires;
     Bissexual men have "vampire" written all over them;
     Bissexual women are all vampires;
     Lesbians are vampires too. All of them.
     If you can read this you might be a vampire too.
At this point I'd like to remind you that I myself would never label anyone as "vampire" or anything else based on his/her sexual orientation, but it seems Mr. Coelho would disagree. Bear in mind, though, this is just for laughs. It cannot be any other way.

ArabianShark wonders what are the odds of running into a well groomed, kind mannered, well spoken, attractive European bissexual woman looking for a one night stand. Now paging Dr. van Helsing.

You just found another secret message


Sintra said...

Seriously, I'm hoping this book was in the fiction section. Because if not, I'll be outraged.
It's like... there are these whole new "writers" (notice the "s) that have an opinion, but their cockiness prevents them from realizing that it is THEIR opinion and not any truth to be poured out on the masses.
The problem then doubles, since the masses are dumb, bored and willing to believe and incorporate in their knowledge what these so called "writers", well, write.

What has become of inteligence and good old common sense? Why this urge to blurt out stupidity?

Sintra said...

Oh, I'd also like to add that I wouldn't mind being attacked by two bissexual women.
I mean, if I'd turn into a vampire too, we could have this long lasting orgy.

obnibolongo said...

I hereby state I know one vampire of the first kind and I'm therefore interested in the acquaintance of more.

I definitely have to read that book...

ArabianShark said...

Right then... Such response calls for some tidbits more on this great work of literature (now watch as I type that with a straight face).
First, I got it in pdf form. Sure, copyright law infringement and all, but I didn't copy the book (if there ever was one) from paper to a digital media nor have I distributed it nor have I downloaded it. I got it in a compressed archive sent over MSN Messenger file sharing (all quite legal on my behalf).
Second, the "orgy" part, according to the author, is not only not crucial but also not likely to take place.
Third, I too hope that if the original book is to be found, it should be in the fiction section. Otherwise Dr. Freud has a long night ahead of him...
Fourth, I wonder if I can be introduced to the so-called vampire Obnibolongo claims to know.
Fifth - third, your majesty - right, third. Oh, wait, I've done that...
Sixth, Sintra really got the issue nailed down there... on both comments. Kudos to you.
Seventh, I'd like my comment to rise a prime number of points, and so it does.

Sintra said...

I don't want kudos.
I want cookies.
And 2 bissexual vixens. But the orgy is not likely to take place.


Sintra said...

Forgot to add:
So Mr.T (AKA obnibolongo), you have met a vampire, heh? I've heard some rumours!

ArabianShark said...

Storm the front and circle the back whilst with two bissexual vixen and cookies??? You have just begun your journey towards the wierd side of the Force. And, by the way, needless to say, this text has super cow powers.