Where's Simon?

Did you order a rant with extra bile? Well, you had better, because you're getting one...

So I have this gorgeous long black leather trenchcoat I adore, impervious to rain, cold or wind, and alternately rugged glamorous and sleek sinister. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the garment of choice for Winter, especially Chrismas Vacation in London, where style and sophistication would like one to look their best.

Now, I've had that coat for over six years, and the lining never got any younger. It tore a bit. Now the leather is perfectly fine, and there's no reason to discard the whole coat, so I had the lining replaced. I thought a tanner should do well enough, but , wanting to spoil my beloved trenchcoat a bit, I sought out a taylor. Ian Dury, advising any who'd listen to

     "See my taylor
      He's called Simon
      I know it's going to fit"

might have had something to do with it. This taylor, obviously not Simon, bothced the job. Big time. So off the bat, en lieu of the plain canvas off-white lining the coat came with (and which I liked well enough), I asked him for something with a little more sparkle, like a silvery satin lining. You'd think a half decent taylor would either have such a fabric or be able to find it, but no, he delegated such responsability on me. Where in blazes would I find fabrics? I'm an Engineering student, not a seamstress's apprentice! So I leave it to him to pick a suitable fabric, and he did an alright job. At choosing a fabric, mind you.

The moment I saw the finished coat, I noticed two things wrong: First, the coat used to be of a prestigious Norwegian leather goods designer, as a large label on the inside was clear to state; now, such label is nowere to be found. But, sure enough, I can live with a label none could see being removed. What I should find harder to abide is the missing inner breast pocket.

"Oh, but it's a leather coat..." The incompetent taylor moaned in more of a complaint than an excuse.

Well, I should rather think that if I had wanted the pocket to be removed I'd have bloody asked for it, now wouldn't I? The previous lining had a pocket, he can't have missed it. I even took the care to emphasise that it should have a zipper along the opening to close the pocket, as the original had. Now I realise I ought to have demanded that the original be put back in its place, as it's shape, size, and the very nice leather patch around the opening are lost now. Instead, the coat now has an overly wide, not nearly deep enough pocket set far to close to the edge of the lining and with some icky synthetic wool patch. To make matters worse, the lizard stained the leather with glue, to no avail, as I can easily slide my finger in between the leather and the lining near the glue stains. Furthermore, I took the chance to observe just how shoddy his stitching was. The lining now meets the leather along a dizzyingly contorted line, whereas it used to be a crisp, straight line. In some spots, he left pieces of the old, mismatching lining and stiched the new one to it along a very unsightly seam.

I ask your oermission to be candid and break etiquette with a vernacular expression, but what the fuck did I pay him for? Let my warning serve you all: never, ever, under any circumstances, allow your first dealings with anyone you expect quality service from to be mediated by a helpful relative. The bastard has been paid for a half arsed job which, in all likely, he'll have to do over, and be the skies ablaze with brimstone if I'm shedding another cent into his pockets.

On a (much) lignter note, I got a (spam) e-mail from someone claiming to be called "marissa" and a "lonely russian girl". Apparently, capitalisation is only required among capitalists. She was alledgedly quite eager to offer me photos of herself. Google took notice and quickly set its AdSense feature to recommend ads about "Russian Mail Order Brides". Thank, but no, thanks.

Pax vobiscum atque vale.

ArabianShark almost didn't shed his bile over the vile taylor, but, alas, the joy he'd be posting about was villanously robbed from him just the same. It seems nothing goes right this week...